Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Monday, September 10, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Ask "Женя"
Q: Проводник, what's the time?
A: Да,
да, да.
(He runs to his compartment and brings back his watch to show us the time. No
comment on whether it is local time or Moscow time or his own time.)
Q: Проводник,
can we get off the train now? (desperate, after three hours of customs and
still cooped up in our compartment)
A: Да,
да, да. He gestures at our bare feet in maternal
distress and continues: Одивайтесь!
This is Сибир!
Q:
Проводник. Can I use the bathroom now? (Doing
the dance after 4 hours at Chinese customs)
A: Да,
да, да. (He walks the other way with two rolls of
toilet paper, bathroom still locked).
Q:
Проводник. Is the rest stop at the border 5 or 7 hours?
A: Да, да,
да.
Q: Проводник.
What are you cooking?
A: Да,
да, да. He
continues to trim the stems off the green beans into the toilet.
Q:
Проводник. May we ask you for fresh tea cups again?
A: Да, да,
да. He suspiciously runs to our compartment to
make sure we aren't hoarding any dirty dishes. They are decorated with emblems
celebrating 60 years Soviet Union,
1945-2005 and a really coveted souvenir. Flustered, Lydia concludes that he
simply reads different newspapers.
Q: Проводник.
We are sorry, but we think we broke the curtain rod.
A: Да,
да, да.
Q:
Проводник. Do you have a rag we could use to wipe our table?
A: Да,
да, да. He disappears for a moment and returns with
what looks like a strip of cotton torn from a "retired" T-shirt of
his. Very hygienic-looking…
Monday, September 3, 2012
Train Lag ®
Chris and Lydia's Top Ten Remedies for Train Lag ®:
1. Drink Tea.
2. Refill your tea and add dried cranberries this time
(really Russian, and makes up for re-using the tea bag).
3. Read Anna Karenina (including all the footnotes) out loud
while the other person drinks tea - cranberries optional this time.
4. Alphabetize and categorize bucket list trips that do not
include staring out the window at 5 more hours of China's rustbelt in the dark.
5. Make a depressing documentary-style video of our boredom.
6. Laugh at all the videos of us getting psyched for the
trip.
7. Try to rationalize why a Fulbright Scholar would want to
live here. Actually, why anyone would want to live here.
8. Break in Chris's brand new hiking boots by wearing them
on the way to the trash bin, samovar and back. Eat lots of things in wrappers,
to maximize number of trash runs.
9. Write a text message to Pappap, agreeing with him that
this trip is designed for one-way prisoners on their way to internment camps.
Realize we do not have cell phone network here, so save it in drafts folder.
10. Make a list of remedies for Train Lag ®
Back on Board
After witnessing Chris's virtuosic gymnastic routines to get
up on the top bunk, Lydia finally discovered a foldaway ladder on Day Two. Live
and learn, even if Chris's inner monkey matched his natural wool long underwear
(see post from September 1st). We'll have to find other upper body strength excercises
from now on.
Border Patrol and "Is that the school or the prison?"
After 40 hours of staring out the window at the Rustbelt of
China and laughing at videos of ourselves in lieu of other forms of
entertainment, having our compartment searched by the Russian Border Patrol was
pretty exciting. The lady inspecting our passports did not even recognize Lydia
because her Russian smile (i.e. dull facial expression) did not match her jolly
photo. Before customs, our provodnik came into our compartment with a
mischievous look on his face, glanced at the overhead luggage rack and
remarked: "I'd say you don't have nothing up there, right? *wink*. And
after a second of confusion Lydia replied "nichevo" with an
understanding smile. Welcome to Russia, where we hide our fish and have nothing
to declare. At least according to the Russian inspector who responded to our
declaration of fish with "come on girl, put that away! Don't make me do my
job here." Lesson learned: watch out for those winks.
399 Minutes looks like more on paper than they feel like if
you're in the pink & purple ladies café in Zabaikalsk. That's how long our
lunch break was and it was a real eye-opener on rural Russia, not just because
of the dollop of mayonnaise on every single dish they served us at Кaфe
мария. Despite the lack of proper asphalt roads and countless
disintegrating buildings, Zabaikalsk drivers take great pride in their cars. We
saw major international brands in impeccable condition on every corner. It
matters little whether the driving console is on the right or left of the car,
they seem to buy anything make here and keep their cars in perfect working
order.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
From Smogrise to Smogset
To explore Beijing, Cao Li Ping recommended that Chris bring
his swimming goggles for the expected downpour and confirmed that there was no need for
sunscreen in smoggy Beijing. He didn't bring the goggles but rather
chose to wear his "natural wool long underwear" for the 87˚ F weather,
much to her (and other unsuspecting locals's) surprise. That's
what they call hairy legs in Chinese, by the way.
Other lovely translations from Cao Li Ping's iPhone dictionary:
SmoovLatte:
A caffeine-o-holic's dilemna: Lydia happens to be addicted
to caffeine. Or rather, she takes it as medication to treat her migraines. The
Chinese and Russians are fantastic at tea. Let me say that again: the Chinese
and Russians just don't get coffee. The two options are instant coffee
or…(drumroll, please)…instant coffee with instant powdered milk. Really? Even
though there is a jug of fresh milk in the fridge right over there, just to add
insult to injury you are offering me milk powder with my instant coffee? We'd
have tea if we didn't have migraines to prevent… I guess it's another market gap that is probably filled along
the touristy route we didn't end up taking.
口水鸡:
It took about 10 minutes for us to figure out why this was funny,
since Cao Li Ping's iPhone literally just translated this dish as "chicken
strips in chili sauce". We thought our Asian humor radar was off, but it
was still really hard to force a polite laugh. Second try. "Slivered
chicken?" Still not LOL funny. Try again. "Saliva chicken?" Yeah
that's pretty funny. Even for the two white kids.
Say Eggplant:
Pictures upon pictures in the botanical gardens (which include moving, screeching plastic
Dinosaurs…so scary!). So many pictures in fact, that we wondered what that kid
kept screaming: CHEEEEEZI. We didn't understand but once again our lovely tour
guide and hostess Cao Li Ping came to the rescue with her iPhone: in China for cheese
pictures we say 茄子. What does that mean? Cheese? (copy
cats!) One moment later she says with conviction: "yi puh lan ti".
Close enough for "eggplant", if you get to read over her shoulder.
Yum. So we frenched things and went with the oh so nasal "aubergine".
Thus the distorted facial
expressions in that day's pictures.
Lang lebe Multi-Kulti!
The Twinkie Ride to Breakfast
Our flight from Seattle to Beijing had us sandwiched between
hoards of friendly Chinese passengers, including two families with adorable
children. They served us what ended up being our 2nd and 3rd lunches and even
the cheesiest Chinese Karaoke songs on the music channel couldn't distract us
from the discomfort of being squished into Chinese-sized economy seats for
eleven hours.
Upon arrival we walked the catwalk that is arrivals hall at
PEK, where Chris witnessed Lydia's joyful reunion with Cao Li Ping. She had
translated for Lydia a year ago, and was a superb hostess: she gave the taxi
driver directions to our hotel (they don't read maps), checked us in and took
us out for fantastic Szechuan food; dinner for her but breakfast for us,
considering we were still on Chicago time.
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